a small reflection on change
RELATING, REKINDLING, REBUILDING
Things are always moving and shifting. Change happens, always. This is not a hidden wisdom, but one that, somehow, many of us seem to forget. I guess we lean towards being 'settled' – in our relationships, our work, our life's patterns – until something comes along and unsettles us…
It's inevitable, but intensely frustrating. There we are trying to find our true self, our life's partner, the work that fits our passion, the lifestyle that fits our purpose – and something comes along, shakes the box, and we're back to square one again.
It's happened to me more times than I'd like to admit – it's happening now – and it's happened recently to people I know, love and respect. No matter what the plan or expectation, something comes in from left field and twists so hard that we have no option other than to respond.
Sometimes, of course, this is the result of something unexpected, awful and tragic. People living ordinary lives with ordinary expectations, suddenly disrupted by trauma and violence. At other times it just creeps up on us – we realise that this 'stage' of life is somehow different from the last one. It's right here, right now and we hadn't seen it coming.
Like I said, I have no big wisdoms to offer here. However I realise that I am helped along by the relational world I am part of. The shape of this world can change – will change – the emphasis shifting as each person I am in relationship with experiences change in themselves. And there is always the chance that something or someone new will come along to surprise me – to offer or have to hand the kind of support, love or challenge I never knew I needed.
That’s been a big learning for me in this Unpsychology project – people just seem to pop up with their collaborations, generosity, creativity and love!
I know that it helps me to stay connected, and to keep a weather eye on the winds of change. And despite everything that is there to make us despair (and there's plenty, I know), I still find myself able to find and even sustain joy. This surprises me, though perhaps it shouldn't. It does give me faith in the ordinariness of human life, though, and the knowledge that for most of us, this is what we are seeking in our life.
I am intensely hopeful about what humans are and what we can achieve together. We are collective, relational animals whose 'species being' is characterised by doing amazing stuff – together. As George Monbiot said in his 2019 TED talk: "These are the central, crucial facts about humankind: our amazing altruism and cooperation." However, as he also goes on to say, in our current state, "we are a society of altruists, but we are governed by psychopaths." 1
It's good to feel good about people – about relationships. It's good to feel connected to the world. It's good to feel hope and anger and even sometimes despair – because these are motivating emotions that can help us relate, connect and do stuff. And, it's good to know that, despite all the shit that is thrown at us, we are still capable of such amazing love, creativity, imagination and healing.
With all this, perhaps we can remake philosophies, politics, ways of living, ways of relating, ways of being. Maybe we can talk and collaborate with each other in different ways – altruistic ways (as opposed to psychopathic ways). Right now, there are people out there doing this work – some of them online and with global reach, many more working locally with neighbours and friends. You are probably one of them...
In these troubled times, however, is this a naive perspective - this feeling good about people? Maybe. It's true that we can't ever guarantee that a decision to make change will lead to that change – in ourselves or in our communities. But we can have the kind of conversations that opens up possibility. In fact, that might be all we can do, and then letting the collective, ecological power of humans and other-than-human life work its complex magic.
Note
An article about George Monbiot’s ‘altruists led by psychopaths’ TED talk is at https://www.thealternative.org.uk/dailyalternative/monbiot-ted2019-politics-of-belonging. The full TED talk is below:
Thank you. I am currently in the middle of it - was glad to read this today.
While shocking change can indeed come from something unexpected, awful and tragic, there are also wonderful, beneficial love bombs going off regularly. I just experienced learning of a friend's murder on the same day a woman appeared out of the blue to announce that she was madly in love with me.